Who are You?


Have you ever pretended to someone you’re not? Maybe to make someone like you or fit in with the crowd? I know I’ve spent a good portion of my life trying to be who everyone else thought I should be. I admit it, I’m a people pleaser….as much as I hate it. I sometimes long for the “I don’t care” attitude. I’ve always imagined it would be so much easier to not worry about the things I worry about. “Did I say something to hurt someone’s feelings today? Did I make someone feel unwelcomed? Did I say or do something that will leave a detrimental impression on my son or one of my students?” Of course, those of us who do worry about things are a bullseye for Satan. He wants to tear us down and will stop at nothing to do so. He takes those worries and grows them to epic proportions that can take over our minds. I know, I’ve been there…I’ve been to some dark places in the recent past and I don’t really like where I landed.

You see, I have allowed people to determine who I am. People who should have cared about me and supported me told me I’m not good enough. Not always in words but in the way I was treated. When people have overbearing expectations it’s hard not to see yourself as a failure, especially in the family of God. “You should be handing out gospel tracts to people you meet out in public, we have a goal of 200 tracts being handed out this week.” “We expect you to serve the ministries of A, B, C, and D.” “I know you said that you wanted to serve in Ministry A but you need to serve in Ministry B.” “You’re having health problems because you just don’t trust the Lord enough.” How should you feel about yourself when you’re bombarded by all these notions of failure? How long before you start believing that you are a failure. The truth is, we are all failures because we fall so short of the perfect example of Jesus. But what we can learn from Jesus is that all the derogatory comments made about Him is that He was still the Son of God, sent to save us all from death. All the lies told about Him were just that, lies. Just because someone told a lie about Jesus didn’t change who He is.

I allowed others to tell me what I should do instead of allowing the Lord to convict me. Just because someone who holds a position in the church says something is the truth, doesn’t mean they are always right. I allowed myself to go along with things I knew were wrong just to stay away from conflict. Even when the Spirit stirred within me, I ignored it and allowed pieces of who I am to slip away. I even started believing the whispers of lies and that I was nothing if I didn’t keep up with all the expectations of others.

Lies and failed expectations don’t determine who I am. The Lord does! I am a daughter of the King. I am the daughter of Alan and Nan, the wife of David, and the mother of Ben. I am a recovering worrier who still manages to relapse quite often. I am a teacher who stepped away from teaching because my heart needs to heal. I am far too trusting but I know when you are lying to me. I have a loving heart that is easily broken. I forgive easily but deep down I would rather punch the offender in the nose. I yell at everyone when I’m overwhelmed but say I’m sorry. I am a people reader, but I falsely trust that people are inherently good. I love to sing but would never sing in front of a crowd. I am a science nerd and find myself talking about it way too much.

But, most importantly I am loved by God. I fail daily, but He picks me up to try again another day. He has called me support my husband in a life of ministry. I have been given the most precious gift of raising my son to follow Him. He has a plan for my life that I can’t even imagine. The Lord knows who I am, and it has nothing to do with what others say about me.

One final thought, we should really be careful how we treat God’s children because the Bible says in Romans 12:19: Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

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