God loves you....but....

I really don't even know where to begin...but I'll try. 

I read once that every time your heart breaks and it's put back together, there's always a little piece that's missing. Like when you break a plate, you can find all the pieces and glue it back together but it never fits just right because of all the tiny little pieces got lost when it shattered. Yesterday did that to me. My heart is broken and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I'll never be the same. 

Yesterday I finally found out why my child has been so withdrawn, anxious, and scared of everything that could happen. This had been going on for quite some time. I couldn't really pinpoint exactly what was going on with him, it was just a mama's gut feeling that he was really struggling with something huge...and, oh, he was. My independent child didn't go anywhere that required him to be away us. He was melting down at bedtime unless he slept on the couch because "someone might get sick and I won't know." At ten years old someone getting sick should not be something you worry about. This turned into fears about someone dying which turned into some serious anxiety about one of his loved ones dying a tragic, sudden death. All this was building like a volcano about to erupt and yesterday it did... in the middle of the grocery store my child cried over a jar of salt and an ice cream flavor. Totally out of character for even my sensitive child. I knew something was wrong and I was determined to find, I just wasn't prepared for what it was.

I gave him a while to settle down and we had a conversation. I say conversation...it's usually me asking a series of perfect questions to draw out the answers. He's not forthcoming and ponders over everything for far too long. To sum up what he said...someone at church told him that if he did bad things (got in trouble) that God would kill his loved ones. 

This was no surprise to me that satan will use people who claim to be Christians to drive a wedge between us and the Lord. I was told something similar as a teenager and it took me years to get over it and fully trust the Lord again. But..I wasn't a child.

My husband and I have worked diligently to teach our son about the Lord, especially about His grace and mercy but I know how satan works. I know how he takes one little insecurity and makes it a mountain that only God can climb. I know exactly how my child feels because I've felt the same thing. Wondering when I'm going to do something that makes God so mad at me that He allows one of my loved ones to die and then having to live with the fact that what I did caused his/her death. It's a heavy burden and it can break you. It almost broke me...then God got a hold me and I realized that the God who sent his son to die on the cross to save me, would not kill my parents because of something I did. My sins are forgiven and the price has been paid. This is not going to break my child, I won't let satan have that power over him. It is our responsibility as his parents to re-teach him the truth and point him to God. 

I know for some people this probably may not seem like a big deal, I mean, people are dying from cancer and all kinds of terrible things are happening in this world. But, for my child, this is the worst thing he's ever experienced at this point in his life and it's the worst thing I've experienced as his mama. So if you have unkind words for us, keep them to yourself. 

For some of you, you've probably been through the same thing; please know I'm praying for you. It's hard when the people we should trust let us down so thoroughly, especially in the church where we should be able to trust that our children are being taught the truth. In the world we live in, though, we have to be extra careful because the Bible says in 2 Timothy 4:3, "For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions." I know I will be extra vigilant from this point forward.

For those of you who believe it's okay to tell this to a child, I pray for you as well - that God will show you the truth. That He is loving and full of grace and mercy.